Yesterday I posted about my two years of sobriety. Two years where I've not drunk alcohol. That's 731 days, a sobriety tracker on my phone happily chirps. But don't celebrate this.
Today, just like yesterday and tomorrow, is just another day. Another day of just living, or at least trying to.
Two years ago, under enormous stress and pressure, I cracked and drank myself stupid. It wasn't the first time I'd done that, but what happened next is what matters: I decided not to do that again.
I'd been slowly getting sober since turning 30, I'd managed to curb my drinking drastically, having drunk heavily between 18 and 30. i drank to escape, I drank to blow off steam, I drank because it was the socially accepted thing to do. I drank because somehow it made me feel less alone.
Now I'm two years sober, and I rarely if ever hear from anyone I used to consider a friend and drink with. They might still follow me on instagram, I have no idea. They all knew I'd been trying to drink less, but every weekend out the shots would be served and the beers flowed.
Sometimes I drank harder alcohols, I had quite a taste for expensive cocktails for a while, especially those that warmed the chest1. I'd certainly had my spills with bourbon, whiskey or cognac. Was never particularly a tequila or sambuca person, but I don't think those are really drinking drinks; those tend to be drunk drinks. At least that's my experience.
I remember how socially acceptable it was to get completely wasted, just because you were with friends, and hey, you got to know the bartenders, so they were friends too right? You were never truly alone when you were drinking, you'd already thrown out the hard alcohol you had at home. It's a few beers a night, what's the harm? It's once a week, it's no big deal. It's a special occasion. It's been a hard week.
These are the lies we tell ourselves to make it okay, to placate that part of ourselves that knows we're taking a drug in probably a co-dependent way. No, I won't explain that co-dependency.
I stopped drinking because I could. I stopped drinking because the drink stopped serving me. I stopped because it hurt the person I love(d).
Don't celebrate this. Two years sober isn't some milestone. I didn't magically turn my life around. I didn't get healthier. I just changed my behaviours and coping strategies. I don't know if my changes have worked, but I haven't drunk for two years.
I did what I needed to do to keep living. That's it. That's all I did. I took something that didn't serve me well and marie kondō'd that out of my life.
Also, why do so many European things randomly have alcohol in them, what's up with that? Mmm yess, some cakes soaked in ethanol, no thanks. (I did actually eat a fair few of those before realising they contained alcohol, it was hidden in the ingredients list.)
Anyway, don't celebrate what's necessary2. I'm just going to keep on doing, one day at a time. That's all.